What is LOVE ?

   
    No doubt I'm missing my ex, she was my first love, she made me feel what is been loved (even I think that she was faking it) she made me check my phone every morning before even I check I am dead or alive. Every vibration made my heart vibrate too... It was like an endless waiting. She dominated my dreams my thoughts my music and all what I can capture with my five senses even my tears they were falling like a stream on my pillow every night ... 

...The first time I saw her, I barely notice her existence. She was like any other girl to me. But the way she introduced her self, the way she took my number the way she smiled to me... made me think she is the one. She "magically" triggered that spark, and channeled all my feelings towards her. After that point, every time I see her, her picture ( speaking about Pictures I though that nobody else in this world was as beautiful as her), her name somewhere or even someone who looks like her, it was like a defibrillator attached to my chest giving me heart attacks. Without talking about how I felt when she was around: the words were flying like butterflies out of my head and the sentences leaving my mouth meant nothing logical. all I remember that when I sat with her in a cafe or somewhere else I had fever and my feet were cold.
In a nutshell, I gave her all the keys of my heart for an infinite rent. 

    -Craziness- : I was think about her every hour every minute and every second, worry about her if she don't reply my messages, or if I don't see her at school. As in Jason Derulo's song - I only miss you when I'm breathing - every breath every, teardrop and every heartbeat was dedicated to her. It was really on of the happiest, yet hardest chapters of my life, then I realized that things that we thought that are awful such as craving are worth being experienced since they are teaching us patient and making sacrifices to earn beautiful things. Insomnia, having stomach butterflies and unjustified starvation became normal things. The fact I get jealous too fast sometimes I was so mad if I see her with an other guy. I don't know if I am right or not but I am a person how can't share such as things what is mine is mine. But one of my fatal characteristics is that I am a silent person I cannot say to someone "Hold on you are wrong stop that !" I just keep burying my feelings inside my soul.
Before I return back home for holidays I felt something was wrong with her. she is not that caring girl anymore. something changed. I feel it ! but I can't do nothing about it. I had to make a move but I didn't knew how. I was alone, sad and silent. all time thinking about the worst. I remember that week It was like hell, I wish I didn't buy that ticket.
The plane spread it's wings and left the ground but my soul, my mind and my heart didn't leave the "Seven Hills"

   Season Final - The last Bullet - 
So, I went back home but this time I wanted to come back early, I was like someone left the oven open and left the house. I had enough time to gather strength and think about a way to recover the situation, I thought maybe making her feel unique and precious so I decided to buy her something Precious & Unique something. But the matter I didn't have money , so I told my father I need to buy some souvenirs for my teachers  -I didn't lie because she will be a teacher in the future :P- so I bought several gifts but her's was so special, I felt in love with that thing first time I saw it and I Imagined how it will look like when she will wear it, in one word MAGNIFICENT.-and like her +2000 we exchanged saved until now in my phone I still keep it in I safe place until the right time- 
Back to Istanbul, full of energy, of faith and enthusiasm But ... 
What The Heck is going on ! no replies to my messages for 3 DAYS !!! I called No response !!! is she sick ? is she engaged is she is she tons of scaring questions, I started investigating, I asked some friends, they said she is OK. after about one week I saw her I went to talk with her she was like nothing happened ! she told me she was sick I said OK she had her reasons. 
We went back to normal, I decided then to strike, so I told her we need to talk , she said OK any time you need. and we started the Tom & Jerry's game: -Where are you? - We have a meeting I am not available 
-Where are you? -I am not coming to school
-Where are you? -Bla Bla Bla 
But the same time, I took a blank paper, I took my heart and start squeezing the words of it, I wrote letter not to send but to read while holding hands because my brain was just offline when she was nearby. (I MAY share that letter but it is in Turkish, it was one of the most sincere things I'd ever wrote )
April, 20th, 2012, the black Friday, I was taking the "Metrobüs" to Ayvansaray, as usual I am starting the conversation (texting her) : 
me -Hey What's up ?
her - I am fine but I am so excited, you 
me - (I was going to ask her why are you engaged  as a joke but I didn't ) I am fine too I've got a flu, why are you excited  ?
her -I have a person in my life we are thinking to get married after school and I am going to tell my family, that's why I am excited  
her -by the way drink something hot it is great for the flu  
(next day) her - how are you you didn't reply my message ?
(3 Days Later) her - why you didn't come to school usame ? you don't reply my messages, is there a problem ? 
(4 months later) her - Rabbim .... (greetings for a holiday )
I can't neither describe that moment when she replied why she was excited nor forget it, I was standing right on the middle of the bus, my feet couldn't carry me any more I was laughing hysterically from the station until home. then I was sick for 2 weeks no school, alone at home my phone was closed, no food, the life stopped, I had to stop because everyone started to worry about me my family, my friends and my teachers. I was under the shock everything looked meaningless, I went to school wearing a hoodie, assist to the class and go back home. I started to hate everything related to her or what made me remember her, our mutual friends the music we loved the places we visited together etc.. to describe those feelings I need to right book. In my mind she died the second she sent that message. I am a person who doesn't give up without a fight bu MARRIAGE !!! I couldn't stand it, all the doors were closed. I felt without value, underestimated and broken, why she preferred someone else than me am I not perfect ? no one in this world is perfect ! I needed 1 year to recover and to resist her looks into my eyes, to avoid places she went to, now all I see is her ghost because as I said she died.. (RIP) 
this is my story, there is a lot of details I didn't cite and if you have any question on your mind don't hesitate just ask me ... 
The END.

Bonus: the first and only love letter I wrote my entire life http://goo.gl/SYQMcA